By the time you receive this I will be dead. Hopefully not dead dead, but close enough. And for a long time. Most of the stasis tubes were damaged in the explosion, along with nearly everything else, but SpaceCorp assures me the jury-rig will work and I’ll go into cold-sleep.
They tell me there’s a lot of public interest in my story. I’m not sure why. This isn’t the first accident in space and it won’t be the last, but SpaceCorp says people are interested and I should record this before I go into stasis. So here I am.
SpaceCorp doesn’t yet know exactly how long I’ll have to be in cold-sleep. The ship’s still tumbling and venting air from somewhere, so they haven’t been able to get a good fix on her new orbit. I’m still trying to stabilize the ship with what’s left of her manoeuvring fuel.
They say they’ll figure out the new orbit soon. But not before I run out of air and have to go into the tube. I’m guessing it’s going to be a long one, so unless SpaceCorp can figure out a way to come get me in a hurry, I don’t think I’ll be back any time soon. So close enough to dead dead.
*****
I passed Jupiter’s orbit just before starting this recording. The planet was too far away — our new orbit meant we couldn’t make the rendezvous, so the station there couldn’t help. They’re tracking me, but they can’t reach me.
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Someone told me that I’ll soon make it farther than anyone has ever been from Earth. They said I should feel proud of that, but it’s not like I had anything to do with it — and I certainly didn’t want to break that record. All I did was survive the explosion.
Speaking of which, I guess I should let you know that Dal, Sara and Gideon are secure in hold two. I tried to be as gentle as possible when I moved them there. I couldn’t get to Alex. I don’t think there’d be much left of her anyway. I’m sorry. Tell their families they were … they were … Tell them I’m sorry this happened to them. If it helps, I don’t think they had time to know what was happening.
*****
The psychs keep asking me how I’m feeling about this, but between trying to stabilize the ship, repairing the stasis tube, moving the … getting everything done, I haven’t really let myself think about it. I guess I should be scared. I mean, I am scared, but not as much as you might think. I was much scareder — more scared — when the Ares Olympus collided with the Sirius. And I was even more frightened during my first lift off. I know I was supposed to be excited about that, but I was just terrified. This is actually the third major accident I’ve been in since I joined the corps. Maybe it’s me. But I made it through those. And I’ll make it through this one. Somehow.
I guess what I’m feeling the most is sadness. I’m not leaving a lot of people behind, but I’ll miss them. I’ve recorded a couple of private messages, but I haven’t sent them yet. I’m not really sure if I will. I guess I should.
I’m sad for the others in the crew. And their families. SpaceCorp is still saying they hope to rescue me, but let’s be honest, if — when — I finally get back to the inner system, the world I know will be gone. You never know, things might be really cool. But it won’t be the same and I kinda like the way things are now.
*****
I’ve managed to get the ship under control, but I had to use the last of her manoeuvring fuel and I won’t be able to alter her course any more. Still no word from SpaceCorp on the orbit.
*****
I’ve held out for as long as I can, but I’m down to the last of the reserve air now. I did some quick calculations before shutting down the nav comp. Too many of the instruments are out so it’s a pretty rough guess, but at least I have some idea of how long I’ll be out here. Maybe SpaceCorp has known the whole time and just didn’t want to tell me.
I want to be brave and noble and face this with at least some dignity, but now that it’s time, I guess I’m more frightened than I thought. But that’s OK. I can be frightened and still do what I have to do.
I’ve taken the drugs and I’ll be strapping into the stasis tube as soon as I finish this, and I’ll be in cold-sleep before this reaches anyone. They tell me that I won’t be aware of the passage of time. I hope not, because it’s going to be a while. I’ve never been in cold-sleep, but I’ve heard stories. I hope they’re just tales old timers tell to freak out the newbs.
So, this is it. When the ship returns to the inner system it will be in vacuum, so I won’t be able to get out of the tube by myself. I’ll need someone to come and get me. Assuming everything goes right — and, deep breath, that’s what I’m going to assume — I’ll be back in about a thousand years. Try not to forget about me.
